hotel room ftw
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
