So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
