I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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