Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
