Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
