fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
