just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
