I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
