i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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