The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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