This girl is more easily done than said...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
