I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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