I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
