Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
