Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
there was a trapeze. enough said
you didnt know i had herpes?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Randomize
