i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
