You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
