i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
