Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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