My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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