It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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