i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
