It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
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