mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
