Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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