I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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