We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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