the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
