just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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