i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
