well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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