sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
