I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
