Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
