i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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