I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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