The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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