Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Drake has all the answers
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
