he thought i was a dude.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
