I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
