Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
