It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
