You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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