there's paper in my vomit.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
