My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
