oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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