I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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