All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Welp...herpes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
