Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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