I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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